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Dreams are great coping mechanisms [17 Aug 2007|12:16pm]
ok so you can tell from my last entry I'm stressed but I woke up today feeling awesomly refreshed. Not just because I slept 20 hours (and for the record, I've had two cups of joe since I got up and still haven't peed) but because I had some kick-ass memorable dreams. I never get awesome dreams unless I need them, and I've been getting them lately, but these were grade A dreaming material.

First off, if you read this, tell me if you agree with the title or not, or if you've had similar experiences under stress. It'd be cool to know if there might possibly be physical evidence behind the statement. Though that would take studies of hundreds of people and crap.

And while you're imagining this think animation, cuz I dream in like. Disney style well animated stuff? My dream productions aren't cheap.

Anyway. It started off with a dream about Link trying to get in to Ganondorf's castle but the moat was too wide and deep (and too full of fresh water dolphins, run debbie thornberry!) so he came to me, cuz I was delivering crops to the castle since I was a peasant. I took him across in the boat inside the fruit crate, past the gaurds, and in to this huge ass kitchen (there were tonberry((sp?)) chefs, and I was like, wrong videogame.) He came busting out of the crate because there was a banana skultra in it (no seriously it was) and the chefs got all in a tizzy. He sliced 'em up and knocked out the lead chef, who was human. We took his clothes and shoved them over Link's, then I led him off to the winding staircase Ganon is up. But I told him to wait here and I went up by myself. It led to a balcony where Ganondorf was all "yeah lookit this kingdom it's sexy" and he got pissy I was there. I started psyching him out by talking about his childhood and how he wasn't loved enough and how he just wanted to rule a whole kingdom and kidnap princesses because he's just lonely. So he started crying and I said I'd call for the chef to get some cake and cookies and icecream. Then I led him down the staircase and Link ripped off his clothes like a pseudo superman in green. An epic battle broke out and eventually Ganondorf was flung out a window and eaten by a giant freshwater dolphin. I was all WOOO! Good job! Then I pulled out a grappling hook, fired it. "You should get one of these, I have one because I'm a star." And I swung off-screen!

At this point I wake up, have a little concious thought, turn over and fall asleep.

Then I'm suddenly on a train in the wild west with, ha, Vash the Stampede, to go visit a friend of his that he hadn't heard from for years. He was dragging me along because instead of Chi I had DEATH and he tried to drive me crazy, and we used him to keep from killing bad guys, but then he said something about the person and left. We got off the train and went to a big concrete hotel to stay in since it was getting dark. I had to argue with him because he was worried about his friend and eventually had to physically fight him down and drag him off, it was kinda neat. We got there, and there was this random candy machine in the hall. I climbed in to one bed and he climbed in the other (which....you know a lot of this envolves men I like but nothing sexual or even cute EVER happens wtf) and start to go to sleep. Then we hear this CRASH and he jumps to the door, and there's this kid stealing candy from the candy machine after he broke the glass. He sees Vash and Vash sees him and Vash is all stunned but the kid isn't. Then the boy rushes past Vash and makes a dark for the open window, I grab for him when Vash goes "THAT'S HER KID" but he jumps out and scatters.

So now we're really worried what with her brat looking dirty and stealing candy from hotels. He's like, 12, 13 or something. So we go running out spazzing "OMFG SOMETHING'S WRONG" and we never get any sleep because by the time we get all the way across town to this run-down little hut the sun is coming up. We get in there and the kid is nomming on this shit load of Snickers and I say in a pissy tone since I've been RUNNING AFTER HIM ALL NIGHT "Can I help you enjoy those Snickers?" And he looks up and dialogue begins. We find out upstairs he's got kids. His kids. And he's all crap looking himself and he says he doesn't love them and we're like NEGLECT. So I go upstairs while Vash chews him out, and there's only one kid. Not even a kid, it's a tiny baby. And it's not moving, but it doesn't look starved or anything, so I pick it up and come down the stairs after checking for a pulse or breathing. "You see what your idiocy has done? This baby is dead. DEAD." And they both look stunned, and Death appears.

"No, the baby's breathing and heartbeat is just so faint you can't sense it. I can save the baby. But I save so much for you. I'll spare this little one if I can take you instead." And I guess the others can see him because they both get even more surprised. And Vash goes "NO" so I say "No." And Death is taken aback, "What?" "No. He said no. And I agree. I'm not going to force a child to live a life unloved and neglected. It would probably die very soon anyway. Let the baby die, so it can go to heaven, away from this evil house." So to get back at me for staying death revives the baby too. And I tell the kid, "Fine, so both of us are alive. But I'm taking the baby with me. The two of us will raise it right." And I leave. And Vash follows but everything is tense since it's like "Ok, we're like. Parents now? We're not even dating. This is...kinda suck."

I wake up thinking "WTF we weren't dating that whole time?" turn over again and fall asleep.

Time to fight the serious dream with a silly one I guess, cuz I'm in a studio teaching Emperor Kuzco a few dance routines to use in his various grooves. And we go chill by the pool and crap cuz we're in the Hollywood of South America and living the high life. And he gives me a pet leopard in payment and a bunch of awesome clothes, but he says "You had better wear those and I get partial custody of Poochie!" And I'm all "k" then we go to the gas station (where they feed llamas energy grass) just to see how they react to the emperor coming in. Yeah. I was like best friends with him or something? Eh.

Wake up again! It's light out but I go to sleep anyway.

I'm not even in this next one. This fat kid dresses up as a girl as a joke and ends up dating a girl dressed as a guy, but they don't know the other is only faking it so they think they're gay. They figure it out when they have sex in the girl's grandparent's gas station. The pure gross of it wakes me up.

I'm living in a city alone, working in a book store. I'm going back to my apartment when this huge spaceship appears in the sky, and they make announcements that since we cannot fly or hover, we are not worth allowing to live. And so like great, flying nazis, they start wiping us out. They blast planes from the sky and decide once all out aircrafts are ruined, they'll kill us. But I can fly, it's like my big secret. I know there's nothing I can do alone, so I cross the oceans in search of help. I end up teaming up with two children on a farm in the french conutry side. They're geniuses and they love explosives. Their main mode of transport is a long skateboard they sit on with a rocket on the back, but it travels fast enough to ride on the surface of the water and changes direction at the drop of a hair. Their father runs a chicken farm by himself, and they have a storage house and base built beneath the barn. We decide we need more help still, and we go and get. Uh, haha, the Teen Titans. So we get on a plane (oh duh) to go back to the states and BOOM we get blasted, we fall from the plane and start hurtling towards the ocean. I fly away while they hop on the skateboard, and I lead them to the T. They're already gearing up to fight with a bunch of other super heros, and we add ourselves to the cause. They think I can be of help since I can fly and they're killing us since we can't. Then I get some vision that all the aircraft had been destroyed and we needed to jet since this city was first. So we're off back to the french country side in their spaceship thing. We hide out in the base thinking of a plan to blast their mother ship, and the whole time they're talking about ways to use me I'm playing with a bunch of fuzzy yellow chicks to keep from getting upset. Then I woke up.

Here I am.

I finally need to pee.

No drawings today [10 Aug 2007|04:32pm]
I'm pissed

Dad's gonna come home and bitch at me about not being good enough

Since I'm doing a perfect job until he's fucking angry at me, then I've never done anything right in my life.


Some comics for your enjoyment [09 Aug 2007|08:01am]
I decided since I have three, I'd dedicate one of the sketchbooks to doing comics. I frequently have ideas for them, but nowhere to do them quickly, so nothing ever happens. I decided I'd share some of my favorites. The three of these are based on actual incidents.

And a one panel

Me + Humans = SUCK

Chi and I have a very strange relationship. People who've talked to him can tell you that. There are two more, but one is stupid and the other one, well, only if anybody really wants to see it. It's maybe a bit emo on my ugly in the beginning.

Amy came over yesterday. I found myself being nice to her despite my harbored hatred. It's like I don't have the heart to be openly cruel.

Fucking dammit.

Sketch Dump [06 Aug 2007|04:51pm]
[ mood | angry ]

I had to go to my mom's for the weekend but luckily my new sketchbooks had come in then They're little moleskine blank notepads, the size of their actual sketchbooks but with cardboard covering and only 80 pages. They came in a pack of three, though, and I can make my own covers. Score. I'll post things in order.

Some gesture sketches of my dog (she changes poses on the second set) and my cat eating his breakfast.

These were more warm-ups then anything succesful. Blech on the biggest one...he was the first. Ew. Looks like someone got suprise buttsecks.

All refrenced. I never use refrences. That's apparent. Me learnz lesson.

You can see I spent too much time trying. After the fifth page it degraded.

I did a some ferrets and a boar, too.

After I got home I found my brother had fucked up my laptop. I had to restore EVERYTHING. I lost all of my files. I was restoring it when I saw this clay stain on a college application (I haven't even started my senior year yet, I couldn't use it) from my scupley and saw a snake thing in it. So while my computer was doing its thing, I sketched over it, then decided to keep drawing him. He sort of evolved. I never seem to understand the importance of that in character creation (everything I draw is boring) so I was pleased with the progression.

Mom got her new place. I got to see it. It's very nice, but I had a terrible time. My allergies were so bad I was going def with the fluid in my ears. They have a long-haired cat and when I went to bed I didn't know it, but the comforted was a mass of cat hair. I didn't have my medicine with me, either, so I was up all night.

I'm having issues with both of my parents' "significant others." Let's start with Mom's. I hate Kevin for natural reasons. He was the one my mother used to cheat on my dad. Thus ending in a big messy divorce. A divorce that drove this household (and especially me, since I was inteligent enought to comprehend the damn thing) to insanity. They've moved in together, and there's issues with it already, even though it's been a week. According to my mom he's silent, always acting like there's something wrong. She feels like it's "his" house, not "thier" house. She originally wanted to rent to see if things worked out but he refused and said buy only. I smell a trap. He tried asking her to marry him almost immediatly. Now they're living in a purchased home completely. She's trapped in the relationship. That's got to be it.

And what about dad? Didn't he break up not too long ago? Yeah, he did.

And he got back with her like a fucking idiot. I've lost major respect for him on that issue and I refuse to be a part of it. He broke up with her once and got back with her. I decided not to do anything about it. Fuck this, I'm not approving of a second time. Her children don't deserve to be alive, she's too much of a pussy to do anything about it. She said she loved my dad, and when he left her she called him a user. Probably other things, since it was him who said "It's surprising what people who are supposed to love you will say." Or something along those lines. And now he's back with her?! He's a fool. He said it's cuz he loves her.

Bullshit. You're just fucking desperate. You don't want to be alone. Hell. It's probably just for the sex.Yeah, I said it. I have no respect for him on that point. The girlfriend before this he brought home on the first night. And he says it's because "I'm not some kid like you." It doesn't fucking matter how old you are, I say wait until you're in a respectable relationship before even THINKING about it. I'm disgusted by him.

After he told me if I was ok with it I just shook my head and didn't look at him. He changed the subject.

I will not talk to her, go to her house, put up with her children, eat food she makes us, accept gifts, or anything. And as long as I am under this roof she will not live here. Because I am a danger to them now. Especially her children. And especially especially her daughter. She ran to her daddy after I apologized to her and her mother profusely and now I might go to court? Fine. I see her again, she's not just going to get punched in the face. She's not going to have a face anymore. She says anything out of line to me, to my father, fucks around in my house (which she'd better not even fucking look at my house,) touches my things, or shows any disrespect, she's paying in a very painful way.

My father's even lucky I'll talk to him anymore. Because he's prooven to me he's nothing but a horny emo idiot.

I thought maybe I was just being extra mean because I'm on my first day of my period and cramping really bad, but no, it doesn't change the way I think, it just makes me not want to hold my tongue like I always do and speak my mind. I'm not being extra mean, I'm just not being nice.

I think I'm gonna go.


Octopuddies and Cuddlies [02 Aug 2007|09:39am]
Theme of the day: cephalapods!

Not that many today. I'm hella tired.

Colored the "?" Octopus. <3

Cat Sketches [01 Aug 2007|05:44am]
[ mood | creative ]

So I've been having some doubts about my art skills lately. Okay, ALOT. Because I'll be off to college in another year, and my grade record is crap. So I'll need art skills to get in anywhere. And let's face it, mine are nothing special. I figure I have alot of improvement to do in one year. I decided to do a theme of sketches eevery day, and color at least one. But um. I'll probably only go through with it until I get so discouraged I never want to do it again. ): Anyway.

More specifically, it's fat cats.

Unfortuanetly I did the color one first. It's the worst of the bunch.

May do more when I wake up. If I go to bed.

Oops forgot this one:


Wow Haha! [11 Jul 2007|04:48pm]
lmao it's been forever since I posted.

Going to alternative highschool to graduate on time w/diploma

working on getting ready for college, gonna get a job when school starts, ect. Studies and all that, portfolio working, also ect.

things not looking to great on keeping the house in the face of financial issues.

Mom got a trailer to move in to with Kevin. Better then that one-room, kitchenette, barely-enough-room-to-turn-in living area apartment she's in now. It's a nice trailer park, too. Like a good neighborhood only the houses can move. Three rooms. Yay! I get my own now, no sleeping on the couch.

basically things are dandy

have a nice day <3

expelled [07 May 2007|12:39pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

I have become the ultimate failure

I've been kicked out of school....

It's all my own fault anyway. Even thought the absences were called in I was expelled for missing one day too many.

I don't think it has really hit me yet. But when it does I'm in some emotional trouble.

I can't beleive it. Expelled. I got myself expelled. I let my habits go that far. I let myself fall that far. I've taken the dive, I've gone from good kid to kicked out. I can't beleive I've done this. I can't beleive I've let myself become such a failure.

I let my sicknesses control me. I let my disorders get in the way of my success and now I'm paying for not trying hard enough. For not being strong enough. It's my fault though. Not the illnesses. I was the one who screwed up. I should have motored out the door anyway even though I felt like the world was against me and I might as well wither on the carpet and die instead.

I have nothing now. Nothing for months. Nothing but living with the fact that I have failed.

And after that I'm going to have to live with the school knowing what I did, because god knows this is going to get around

And I'm going to have to atone for my other mistakes grade-wise because I let my failure complex control me there, too. I told myself it was my feelings but essentially the homework wasn't done because I didn't do it. I'll have to repeat this whole year and thensome and STILL not graduate with all my friends.

After all of this I'll be alone.

Alone and finding it so hard to get in to college because I was dropped for attendance issues my junior year.

My first junior year, at least.

Oh God if there was any harder way to learn my lesson then damnit tell me, because I'm pretty conviced I let myself learn it the hardest way.

Failure, failure, failure...I let myself become a failure, I'm a failure, I'm...I'm a failure....

I have to make this positive somehow.

I'm going to double-time it on my art. After all I have nothing but free time ahead of me anyway. If I have a wow portfolio when I apply for an art college maybe they'll over-look my earlier problems if I improve my last years. Outstanding art and, well, she -did- fix her problem with attendance.

Oh shit man, holy fuck, expelled, that's one hell of a blemish to try and cover. I don't know if I could do it.

Will I pay for this the rest of my life?

Will I have to work a meanial task job like my parents? Will I taste this taste in the back of my throat until the day I die?

If I smoked I'd be setting of fire alarms on the whole block right now

If I drank a whole brewery would have enough cash to run for a hyear right now

But all I have is you, little keyboard, just you. So I'm going to peck out some rant about how much I SUCK like some little whiney bitch knowing that no-one will read it and if they do they won't care. And I won't care.

I'll just type.

And type.

And type.

Until the little buttons break

and then I'll draw circles until I wear a hole through my tablet

and then it won't matter anymore. I'll be numb. I won't notice.

I'm expelled.....


Graduate on time, are you MAD?! [17 Apr 2007|02:54pm]
Yes! There is a possibility of me graduating on time! Of me not being left behind by all of my friends and making it through the year, still earning my highschool diploma. It'll take summer school. But I'd be able to do it! Unfortuanetly, it's alternative school. The crowd there is tougher than the one I'm used to dealing with, usually used for special cases such as phobias like mine, teen mothers, and people going through drug rehab or those with violent tendencies. However, the classes are smaller, it's right across the street from my usual highschool, and I would still have an art class. (Key word there is an.) Not to mention they get more credits per class and I'd be able to catch up in a jiffy. Considering I'm 10 credits behind (after being only two ahead last year) I'm probably gonna need to do all I can do, and if that means dealing with thick-heads and sluts, then I can do it.

However, back to that little phrase "an art class." I really, really should take more than just one art class my senior year if I want to get in to an art college so bad. This leaves me alot of opputunities dashed on the rocks if I decide to do this alternative highschool thing. One class just isn't enough. I need more than that and I know I could get more than that, but it would require my graduating late, and therefore being left behind and alone. But I would have a much easier time getting in to the school I want, and therefore attaining the future I desire.

That being said, I will probably not go to alternative highschool. Though the environment may be better for me and I still need to give the option alot of consideration, I only really want to graduate on time because of my friends. And I don't want to base my desicions that I'll have to live with the rest of my life on the people I may not know in twenty, ten, five years.

I may graduate later, but I would have more oppurutnities to take the classes I need to improve my craft and get to where I want to go. The decision sounds almost certain, but then again, so did my last one, and lookit me. I'm staying in school after all.

Damn. One life-changing decision made, a thousand more to go. It's a shame I'm just now realizing I'll have to do this for the rest of my life.

Dun dun dunnnn [16 Apr 2007|08:47pm]
Well, the desicion has finally been made, and it'll probably come as a surprise to everyone. I'm staying in school (collective gasp from audience.) If I drop out, I'm letting that phobia beat me. I'd be letting my past control my future, which is arrogant and cowardly. And I have to face it, damnit, my homework wasn't done because I didn't do it, not because I was afraid. I need to take the reigns and take control of my own life. It's going to be alot of work. There's gonna be alot more blood, sweat and tears than if I dropped out and got the GED. Like a friend said, "I don't know if that's very noble or stupid of you." I don't think any of us do, really. But my future seems ultimately brighter if I stay where I can have art lessons and specialized classes that will get me where I want to go.

If I put in the work.

As quoted from a Calvin & Hobbes comic, "What you get out of your education depends on what you put in it." Or something along those lines.

And I will put in the work.

This has started an all-new chapter in my life. Hopefully one that will be a positive read. I have to discover who I am now. Because honestly, I don't really know. And I don't know if it's because I never really knew, or if I'm just not who I used to be. Then again, your experiences in life help build you, and you become what you make. So I won't know who I am til I already am me. If that makes sense. Probably not, but I understand what I'm saying, and that's all that really matters.

However, this means my future is uncertain. I've finally realized I don't have that crutch. Nobody does.

As far as being an art teacher is, I've been told to do it, and I've been wanred against it. I feel like I could make a difference, for awhile. But eventually my light would go out and I'd end up becoming exactly what my teachers are. And if you know me, you know I don't have the attitude to teach full-time.

Since I'll have to repeat this year, and a semester of the next year, I'll have plenty of time to look in to scholarships and take art classes. Build my credits up in the direction I want. And that's an Art Institute. I'm going to get a job to help fund my need to improve, buying myself much needed supplies, and to build myself a drafting table and a light box. Or, if I'm clever, maybe a combination. It will also give me some work experience and a chance to save up a cushion for college, even though I know I'll need to take out a hefty loan. Hopefully my talents in art and writing will be able to get me a few scholarships to widdle the price down a wee bit. If I work really hard, and dedicate what time I don't give to regular academics to art, I'll be able to pull it off.

I'm really hoping to get in to the Savannah, Georgia institute. Out of state so a bit more expensive for me, but totally worth it. When the time comes, I would minor in sequential art and major in, oh this is going to shock everyone who knows me, computer animation. I've been a huge fan of animation since my childhood, but I'm 17 and still very much in love with cartoons. But traditional animation is a dying art (after a long period of cheap degredation.) Although I'm an avid hater of the cheaply done and written, crap CG movies that so many companies churn out to make a quick buck, I have seen some truly amazing work. Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, and my absolute favorite, Happy Feet. Just to name a few of those incredible creations that have earned my respect. And after watching Reign of Fire, a relatively old film, and seeing the dragons, I was in awe. I would love to have a job bringing those creatures to life, be it in a fully animated film or in a live action with a need for a breed that doesn't exist. I have always had an eye for good animation, even if I don't avidly practice animating myself (I don't have the time,) so I think I could succeed in the field. Or get an ever better job, the number one.

Character design.

A creative orgasm of a job, in my opinion. Though I would very much need to broaden my artistic perspective for it.

Why minor in sequential art? When I'm not toiling over the company's next big project, staying up late to add the finishing touches before I fall out of swing or slamming starbucks to stay awake for meetings in the early morning, I'll be at home in my apartment toiling over my latest personal project, a graphic novel hopefully to make it to print. I have always loved doing comics. I feel I've gotten good at them. And again I have developed an eye for the art, after alot of work and practice. It would be my inner child on parade to get a novel put in to print and marketed. And I love to write. I'm getting better at it as time goes on. Combining my talents would be awesome k.

Not to mention I've been told I would be a good voice actor, and I often agree. I have a wide range of voices I can use well and naturally. Being in a line of work connected to animation might get me the chance to do that someday.

But Brittany, why sacrifice your hate for CGed crap? Cuz it's smart. At the rate things are going, there will always be a field for CG work. It's a more fun and even more stable job than teaching. I would feel like I got alot more out of it and it wouldn't chip away at my being as much as putting up with a bunch of bitchy teenagers would.

I'll get there. I just need to work for it. And I finally think I can.

k pics now [10 Apr 2007|06:01am]
[ mood | awake ]

So like THREE OR FOUR WEEKS LATER I finally post pics of the lipring. My hair wasn't bugging me as much today because the two curly-q's in the middle of my forhead (recent, and very annoying developments) weren't really um. POW apparent.

I'm probably having Skye come visit some time this summer. Yay! Since dad seems okay with it and stuff like that, and her mom seems okay with it too.

This coffee is fucking spectacular and I dunno why.

Paint, signing off <3


ZOMG [19 Mar 2007|04:12pm]
I finally got my lip piercing done! It is awesome. A little hard to eat with this bulky starter ring though. It was excrusiatingly painful for like. Two seconds. You're like AHHHHHHHH I'M GONNA DIE o dat wasn' so bad. It's kinda itchy afterwards, and that's the worst part XD you can't scratch. Right in the middle of my lip, above the labre. I've wanted one for yeaaaaars and now I haaaaaaaaave it and it's aweeeeeesome.

... [17 Mar 2007|11:24pm]
I hate it when you need a friend and the only one around is the one you're mad at.

I really want to talk to Kaitlyn...I haven't had decent contact with her in some time, and she's my best friend. But these last few weeks, I guess we've just been caught up in things. Now though, my life is changing rapidly, and other things are happening, and I want to talk to her but I can't. I visited her house earlier and she was gone, so I called her and had a brief chat, then she said she'd call me back. I tried calling her back many, many hours later and got no answer. Have I done something wrong? Or is this all some mistake? Am I losing my friend?

I know I've lost Kyle. We're not going to prom together anymore. I've been getting more and more of a bad vibe from him lately...so I told him I knew he didn't like me anymore. And I wanted to know if we were still going. But that fucking coward made me make his big decisions for him. I had to tell me he didn't like me anymore, not him. I had to tell me he didn't want to go to prom anymore, not him. Every fucking time I would ask a question he would give me the same one back or some indirect bullshit about how bad he feels. Why did I even like him? Because he was the first guy I know here who ever liked me. Who thought I might be worth something. He was a landmark and it took me until my Junior year to get that. I liked him because I had no one else to like and I thought I stood a chance there. And I got positive feed-back too, only to be shot down in the end. And now this.

What love life have I had? A bullshit internet relationship, asked one guy out and got turned down with hateful things said behind my back, asked another guy out who got my hopes really high before slamming me down. Oh he asked me to prom before he gave me the answer so I was happy. But now he doesn't want to go to prom anymore. And he didn't even have the balls to tell me that, he didn't have the guts to just fucking tell me, and me having to make that decision for him hurt me more than if he'd have just let me down. Filthy coward, impudent scum, muck on my shoe, I'm on the verge of despising you Kyle. Because you couldn't tell me and be a man, because you "felt bad" and some bullshit like that. I'm ten times more hurt than if the words had fallen from your lips in my face.

My bipolar disorder is out of control. I'm rapid-cycling several times throughout a day. I'm trying to get back on regular medication but it's hard, so hard...it's hard to do anything right. The depression is so common place that I'll be in the middle of a sentence and break down crying. Luckily I haven't infront of my friends yet. What would they think of me? Kyle is example enough. They think I'm a different person now. Am I? I don't feel like I am. Should I be judged by current going-ons? After all, my whole life is changing in the blink of an eye. It should only be natural that a good friend understands, right? They wouldn't abandon me, right?

Then again, they are human.

Please, oh God, let them have pity on my soul. Don't leave me now. I need my friends. Even if they don't need me anymore.

My phobia of school has finally been recognized by my parents, and the first major decision of my life has been placed on my shoulders. For the first time I have to make a huge decision that will ultimately affect me for the rest of my life. Every day of my life I'll have to live with this choice. It's terryfying to face this thing down, especially with the state I'm in. What if I'm depressed and make the bad one? What if I'm being erradic and I make a choice that's outside my limitations in the end? I can't tell when I'm normal anymore. All the changes keep getting blurred together. I feel physically ill. I think my ulsers are coming back.

That decision has been running me rampant but I think I've come to a descision.

These nine weeks will be my last in Freeport High School. I will not be returning for my Senior year. All facts considered, all things accounted for, myself and my peers have decided it's better for me to drop out and get a GED. My phobia of a school environment is far to great for me to remain. It's literally driving me insane. Like an aracnaphobic covered in spiders for hours every day. I'm failing every class and it would be impossible for me to graduate next year. I don't get to graduate with my friends...I don't get to have a Senior Prom, or do senior pictures, or see if I get voted for as Most Artistic. I don't get to have AP class with my friends, or sit at lunch and hang with them. I'll be busy with my job and getting my GED before graduation time why they enjoy the best years of their lives. These nine weeks are the last of mine.

The upside is I can still get in to college, and I'll probably be able to start before the seniors even graduate. So I won't be any lesser. I'll still be just as good as them, and moving at the same pace, unlike if I stayed in Highschool. I would have to go an extra semester, with correspondence school through my entire senior year, summer school both summers. And that's if I managed to pass EVERY class EVERY TIME and ALL THE TIME.

But maybe that's what I want to do? Would it still be the better path for me? Should I struggle through highschool and try? No. I have tried my heart out for many years. My successes have been few and far between. If it's not working now, I doubt it suddenly would then.

All because of that damn phobia. Those kids. All of those kids. Those kids who used to beat me up every day. Those kids who made me the butt of every joke, who teased me at every turn, who made school a living hell for me day in and day out. Those kids who shattered what little confidence I had in myself with their fists and their words. And those teachers. Those teachers who stood by and did nothing. Who made me feel like no-one cared. Who did their best to avoid having to work by baiting my parents and myself with lies and letting us forget about it. I hope they're all happy. I hope their lives feel complete. Because of your thoughtless actions me, this, this human being, this living thing, is in constant suffering. Because of them my future may be ruined. Because of them I may have to lead some average life where I've never done anything meaningful. Yes, they should be very happy, because they've crushed my dreams. They saw what little I had and they trampled it. And when I rebuild, they do it again. Even now there are people who do not resist to jive at me. Am I really such an abomination? Would I really be better off dead? Sometimes I think so. But if I do that then I'll never have a chance to get better. I'll never become that great artist I want to be if I'm dead.

So am I suicidal? Partially. I want to be dead. I want to be gone. But I know I can't be right now. If I offed myself, it may be a whole nother world of eternal suffering as consequence. If somebody else offed me, I would be risking their eternal souls with my greed.

And I'm far too much of a coward.

But is it really so unbecoming to be afraid to die? Death is unknown in the respect that we only know it is to happen. And man's greatest fear is the unknown.

In summary, I really need a hug right now. A hug and three gigantic tubs of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough icecream.

Chicago Experience [12 Mar 2007|05:55pm]
Sunday we got to go out to see a hockey game in chicago, the Chicago Wolves vs. the Peoria Rivermen. But it ended up being more than that, I suppose.

The morning did not start off well. I woke up feeling like shit, fearing I would not be able to go, and I went anyway. This was a mistake...today I'm sick as hell, with a fever, cough, and congested head. Anyway, The drive there was surprisingly not boring. I finally got to go in to The Oasis, which is pretty spectacular, and there were all sorts of unfamiliar things to see. There were a bunch of deer off the side of the road, and buildings I'd never seen before. We didn't go downtown, so when we got to Chucago I wasn't amongst old buildings and huge skyscrapers. But it was Chicago nontheless. It looked like a great place to live...the neighborhood was decent, and there were all sorts of things to do. Oh yeah, haha, I saw the first McDonalds. There were fake people in it. It kinda freaked me out. There were some really nice houses with copper gutters and wooden garage doors, brick driveways and huge gardens. And there were your usual apartment buildings, and little shoebox houses. It was in a flight path for the O'Hare airport, so planes were so low you could see the windows and landing gear. The stadium we went to was right by the airport, so you could even see the lights in the daytime in the parking lot.

We visited Merry's step-mom. Coolest older person ever. I didn't ask her age but I thin Merry said she was sixty something? She looked great for her age! She was really awesome over all anyway. Her house was charming. Hell, I want her house. There was cool stuff EVERYWHERE, even though it was just a little apartment. There was clutter everywhere, books and statues, random instruments, plants and crucifixes. Also, Wizard of Oz stuff was scattered about. She must have been a fan. Her walls were all different colors and she had one wall that was all mirrors. Her bathtub was fileld with random things, which confused me, but whatever. Her toilet flushed with a button. Awesome. And she herself had a touch of that Chicago accent.

We took a tour with her, seeing the whole neighborhood, and we stopped at Target to piddle around in the store before the game. But the most amazing part was where we went to eat. Portello's I think it was. The cheese fries were awesome, but the restraunt itself was amazing. I think it was a twenties theme...that or the thirties. There were statues and random collections everywhere, dimmer lighting with jazz music playing. It was bustling with energy, full of people, young and old alike. There were people everywhere. The lemonade was real to boot! I think Merry said there was one in California.

The game itself was...not as exciting as I had hoped. We got in through the VIP entrance (I got a stuffed zamboni, it's adorable) and had pretty good seats near the goal, specifically by the announcer box. The guy who calls the game was Merry's brother, and he got us in. He was really nice, and I take it he liked his job. He also does the game thing for the Chicago Cubs when they're in Wrigley Field, and we'll probably go see them when the season starts. Wow, Wrigley Field....I never figured I would go there.

The pre-game show was probably the most exciting part, but it didn't do its job well. The crowd was very low-energy, cheering only during goals and fowls. There was no egging, not much booing, excetera. The local team I had gone to see was more fun in my opinion. At least then I got to cheer and scream and stuff. The game ended in our favor, Wolves 4, Rivermen 2. They played a good game, held eachother off well. The first run there wasn't one goal made. Maybe that accounted for the mellower crowd.

Nearing the end of the game, my sickness caught up with me in full force. I was not feeling very happy when we got out to the car, and I tried to sleep most of the time. I got some food when we visited The Oasis again, but I didn't really eat it. Just fondled it a bit and starred blankly at it.

Now this morning I woke up in a cold sweat and parched, with a fever, and I had to miss another day of school. I've missed more than a week now. I think I was suseptable to it because of all the stress lately, and my brother being sick nd at home at the same time. I miss my friends, and I guess I sort of miss school, but I can't go until I'm on antibiotics, which won't be until tomorrow, and for 24 hours after my fever breaks. Ugh. This is just my luck, I suppose.

Cliffording about [09 Mar 2007|01:11pm]
So I got to go be Clifford yesterday and it was pretty rockin'. The kids really enjoyed it and we had a blast playing Monster and Tag and stuff like that, since there was really only a small group of interested chittlens. The others were either scarred or...not there period haha. Really, only one kid was afraid of the costume, a little girl. Her even littler brother got a kick out of it though, going "Doggy! Doggy!" the whole time he was there, and when I would come over her would hide behind his dad's legs and start to giggle. There was one little girl completely immersed in "Clifford's" presence, Kelly's younger daughter, who spent most of the time reading Clifford books to me. And by reading I mean interpretting the pictures as she pleased haha. It was so cute. But the suit was DAMN HOT. I mean SWELTERING. I found myself breathing through the eyeballs whenever the kids weren't looking to get some cooler air. Oh, and all the adults got a kick out of the fact Clifford had boobs. I have to do it again next Thursday, but I'm looking forward to it.

It's been a damn stressful week. Alot of yelling, veins popping, people crying and screaming and fits of rage abounding...not to mention I haven't gone to school a day this week. Because of problems branching from this particullarly harsh atmosphere, and my depression finally enclosing around me. It's not a fun feeling, to know I've basically failed the whole week, but hey! Today is recooperation day. My dad offered for me to just stay home and chill, and have no yelling or things going horribly wrong, so I jumped on the chance. Then I'll have a Saturday of chores, and Sunday we get to go to Chicago and see the Timberwolves (NHL) play...whoever they're playing! This'll be the second hockey game I've ever gone to, and the first NHL one (probably my last, but oh well.) The last one was to go see a localer team (The Ice Hogs) with the boyscouts, when my brother was still active in said organization. That was fun enough, so I can only imagine what a "real" game is going to be like! Not only that, but 'm looking forward to getting to see a snippet of Chicago. I haven't been there in years, I think not since 7th grade? So four years! It always mistifyed me to see what I could outside the window of the bus. It's something new, stimulating, and breath-taking. As somebody from an area of a little over 700 people, its size is practically incomprehensible to me, and the number of people even more-so. The sights, the sounds, the (unpleasant) smells, it's all invigorating and a good stimulation to my artistic side. It's no wonder big cities harbor such a huge and successful concentration of art. There's always something new! I tend to stagnate because it's always the same ol' same ol'. Hopefully I'll get some kind of creative juices flowing huh?

So this Summer, I'll be getting a car and a job, which means I'm on my way to getting a license and a free life. I do plan on commissioning a fursuit, probably from Quadrupedal Jellybean, and going to some cons when the oppurtunity presents itself. It'll be a costly endevour on both parts, but it'll be my chance to fully get in touch with the fandom, and maybe even meet some really interesting people! I really hope I'll be able to go to Further Confusion sometime, the biggest furcon EVA. I think it's nearing 2,000 visitors each year now? I'm not entirely sure. Either way, it'll be spec-fucking-TACULAR. I will be among fellow furballs, able to uh, furball it up. *raise da roof* With any luck I'll be able to drag Kaitlyn along too, if she'd go for it. I remember her talking about wanting to go to a furcon someday so. Here's to hoping I won't be the lone furry!

What is with me and cinematic music? I love downloading dramatic soundtracks, and listening to bands like Nightwish. Probably because there are so many sways and dips and rises, and often times there are no specific lyrics, if any at all. It really lets your mind wander, and if you think up your own little movies like I do when you listen to music, you should know just how much fun that kind of freedom is.

Well then, until next time my dears!

Damn straight I'm a furry [05 Mar 2007|03:03pm]
Okay so somehow, I forget how really, while we were out eating Dinner at the Chinese Buffet, we got on to the subject of furries. And how silly they were. I intervened saying "HEY NOW. I'M A FURRY." This got some looks from around the restraunt and made me laugh, then I explained that not all of us furries are kinkmeisters, we just enjoy the fandom. They asked me what my opinion was on dressing up as an animal, and I said sure, sounds hella fun! It's just like dressing up for halloween. I would love to get a fursuit if I had the money and wear it whenever I could. Merry had a moment and went "You could be Clifford!" Naturally, I was confused. Clifford the big red dog right? Yeah! And so now it looks like I get to dress up as Clifford for a benefit book fair! All I have to do is wave and hug kids and pose for pictures, but it's for a good cause, and it's gonna be hella fun. I still giggle when Merry said "You don't need to worry about your boobs, it's not a fursuit, it's a furSACK." Hahaha.

And now for more of my furry nonsense! I came across the fantabulous WikiFur site and just had to do some entries! Yeah, editting WikiFur....I'm such a dork. But hey, now Chiawas, Paint's species, have their own claim to fame in the furry world, and Furcadia Portraits have a page too. At least I know I made some sort of useful contribution right. Right?! Fail. ):

Releif Snow [02 Mar 2007|01:32pm]
Not like pee snow, more like get out early snow, FTW dawg. Gotta go to Mom's tomorrow....or tonight, if she gets out of work early. Poo. But there have been cheerful promises of going out for icecream. Persay May-damn-whut-gazelle, has something happened to happy you up a bit? I don't think I'll really ask. If my assumptions are incorrect, her mask will break and she'll fall to bits again. I don't want another weep-fest weekend. ):

LET US HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE [01 Mar 2007|08:28pm]



Yes. YES YES YES. We finally got rid of those GOD FORSAKEN ROTTING CARCASSES we've been dissecting since October today. Not until after I had to cross section a kidney and a fgging testicle but HEY. I can put up with a little scrotum snip-snip if it means I never have to shovel intestines out of slowly decaying kitty-flesh again.

Groundage [27 Feb 2007|03:39pm]
Yeah, I'm grounded of the computer for God only knows how long. This is actually a lucky break...he must have turned the computer on and left it, thinking he would do the passwords. So yeah. Probably until next mid-term (wowie a long time) I won't be on.

I was a lab rat for a friend of mine today who wanted to do my make-up and take pictures. I look silly but I still sort of like this picture. Check me out, I'm a hybrid between a red fetish clown, gothic princess, and emo teenager. lmao.

Buuuh, snow snow snow. [25 Feb 2007|09:40pm]

Lol Michi port.

This weekend has been totally shitty. I didn't get to enjoy my Sunday because I had to sleep all day, and my trip to Milwaukee got canceled yesterday because of the snow. Not to mention all of Saturday I was caught out in a blizzard trying to drive home from Merry's house just because she had to check and make sure her kids didn't burn the house down. It was eery, driving in all that snow, not a sould on the road. The flakes were like small fuzzy animals falling from the sky. They were HUGE. And the winds were vicious. The only other people I saw out were trapped in ditches on the side of the road. Well, their cars at least, the people were gone. So now here it is, 10:00, I'm not tired because I slept in 'til 6:30, and my sleep schedule is gonna be fucked for the rest of the week. It's just...blagh. I was excited for this weekend all week, and it amounted to nothing. Plus next weeked I have to go to my mom's. I would stay home, but she'd give me some sob-fest bullshit, which she'll probably still do even if I go. I hate this. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Why is it my life always has more lows then highs? Most people seem to be okay most of the time, and down some of the time. I'm usually down and rarely up.


*sigh* Oh well.

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